why is there this immense bout of rage building deep inside? what is the source of it? maybe it's just work. totally burnt out. or maybe it is the pressure of living to people's expectations once more. from nothing to the things i build up. maintaining the standard is just so damn tough. almost broke down during the previous run. or maybe to put it crudely, i almost went into hiding. i guess it's not the thought of not completing the run. it's the looks of people who expected you to do it with ease. and also. losing to weaker people. psychological pain is still the worst. i guess it just boils down to. pride. is that the reason why i think that it's either honor or shame? attended some event not long ago. not very sure why some recipients are so happy with the things they have. is it because they're finally out of the system? or they're contented with what they have. cause compared to the best. they're... nothing... oh god. maybe all i need is a brand new place with no one that knows me or may be even a place with no one. Maybe being a beekeeper suits me.